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Hospital

It was all coming back. All those memories flashed before my eyes, but I could only see the bad light in any event that has occured. I couldn’t sleep from 3am to 7 am, using my MacBook and also trying to calm myself, but it didn’t work. I felt like my head was being compressed. It felt so bad, I got away from my room, which had a surprisingly cold aircon to the non air-con sofa in my living room. I fell asleep, and somehow, when I woke up, the feeling felt different today.

It was like as if, I am now inside a hospital. I imagined myself in a hospital setting again, where the tv only shows local tv shows with lousy reception and the feeling of being so helpless came back. It’s funny, in a hospital, you get taken care of by nurses and you are suppose to get better. But, there is some pain even after you are being discharged. I felt like I was physically controlled by my mind. What happened to me? Is it those memories of the past? But it’s funny, I remembered all the horrible things only, and it shot back right at me, I saw people I knew in my dreams. It felt so horrible. I nearly broke down again. What the f _ _ k is wrong with me? maybe I don’t know, I guess when I am happy, I make others hate me. No wonder all my years of my life always end up in a horrible way. I guess the only way for me to be happy is to be sad. because when I am happy, someone always somehow triggers me to be put down. so, should I always be sad to be happy? should I be sad to just feel good? and why can’t some bloody f _ _ kers understand that I don’t seek attention. Maybe it feels like it, but it is so not! You will never understand what I am going through. I guess I shall die soon. It’s only a matter of time. All my thoughts overrule me, I know I rarely do bad things, but the weight of the bad things in my life increases so much, that I feel I should just stay depressed and lonely forever. I made the wrong decision this year, and then, now I regret it. What a f _ _ king fool I am.

I want to die, what is the solution to happiness? Does life always need to be like a cosine curve ranging only from 90 to 270 degrees, just negative? I don’t know… I have lost interest in buses somehow, and gained normal interests, which is good. But I feel depressed today, all of a sudden. What happened to me? I don’t show I am sad, but I am.

I feel I can never be discharged from this hospital, and I shall die soon… I always end up the same f _ _ king way every time… :( Nobody can help me, and I am just a fucker who deserves to die. Just let me fucking die, and the whole of my fucking world will be better. Why doesn’t anyone fucking understand why i want to die?! Nobody fucking understands what I am going through! No wonder I am always trapped in a hospital. I should just admit myself to IMH, get a shock therapy to FORGET EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING in my life… I can’t take it anymore. I hate being on Earth. I hate myself. Just let me fucking die, god.. Or even better yet, I just want to not fucking exist in this world at all. Everyone always finds fault with me. Nobody sees the light in me. NOBODY! Well, I guess I am not suited to be alive. Might as well donate my heart to somebody who deserves it more. I am such a FUCKING idiot. IF ANYONE DARES TO MAKE ME PROMISE TO STAY ALIVE, that’s the cue for me to kill myself.

I hate myself. I am just as good as those lousy disposable products, once used, throw away. Why can’t I be thrown away now? I endured pain for 17 and a half years, and now I’ve had it. I’ve really fucking had it. My mind and heart can’t take it anymore. I want to give away my life to someone else who needs it more than I do.

I Hate This Part

Lyrics

The Pussycat Dolls - I Hate This Part

We're driving slow through the snow on 5th Avenue
And right now radio's all that we can hear
Now we ain't talk since we left, it's so over due
It's cold outside but between us it's worse in here

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts 

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't wanna try now
All that's left's goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here 

Everyday, 7 takes of the same old scene
Seems we're bound by the laws of the same routine
Gotta talk to you now 'fore we go to sleep
But will we sleep once I tell you what's hurting me

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts 

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't wanna try now
All that's left's goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here 

I know you'll ask me to hold on
And carry on like nothing's wrong
But there is no more time for lies
'Cause I see sunset in your eyes 

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't wanna try now
All that's left's goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you 

That I gotta do it,
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it
I hate this part
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it 

I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take these tears
I hate this part right here

People are dying.

It’s now 2351 hours. I am using my laptop in a horrible position in my parents’ room, because both mother and brother are away. It seems that I have really been behaving rather strangely this month.

Maybe it was that breakdown I had? Maybe it was a miscommunication that my loved ones giving up on me? Maybe it’s because I have realized more about myself than ever before? Who knows.

I went through pain and torment this year. It hurts me to look back at the good things that happen, for they can be twisted to be bad too. I’ve been traumatized. I am still in agony. I am not an attention seeker. If I was, I would be a suicide bomber. But I am not one. And I shouldn’t be.

Haven’t been enjoying myself lately. Buses don’t feel as appealing anymore. I just feel like stoning at home. The motivation is dying. My friends, some aren’t free to meet up at all due to exams, others I have lost contact with them thanks to me not backing up contacts. Good for those I hate and bad for those i like.

I AM WASTING TIME!!!
SUPPOSED TO BE HEPLING MYSELF BUT I AM NOT. I am suppose to finish things on a to-do list and I am wasting time feeling like crap…. :( I am too distracted, like today, though I went to IKEA for Lunch alone and for dinner with my father at The Cafe Cartel, I dont feel so enlightened. Guess it takes time, and other factors came in as well.

Today was saddened by many things. Heard about the nightclub fire blaze in Russia that killed over a hundred people. Heard about the explosion in Pakistan. Heard about a person who has died in Woodlands, Singapore today, possibly through suicide. Heard about the climate changing to be cooler. It’s good for me, but not for those in the North. Guess 2012 had some impact on me. :’(

WARNING!!!

Please only click on the following links if you are able to endure the agony of others. If not, please refrain as I will not be held resposible for any harm done to you. My purpose of showing these is to show the pain others are facing now, so treasure our good things before we too are hit.

Suspected Indonesian illegal immigrant falls to his death in Woodlands [LATEST]
http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/singaporelocalnews/view/1022938/1/.html
Source: Channel NewsAsia

Snow Storm Slams Texas

http://news.yahoo.com/video/weather-15749664/snow-storm-slams-texas-16998924

Source: ABC News

Meteorologist Bernadette Woods’ Updated Forecast
http://news.yahoo.com/video/weather-15749664/17004469
Source: WJZ.com

Neda’s Weekend Forecast – Dec. 5, 2009

http://news.yahoo.com/video/weather-15749664/17003720

Source: CBS

Snow dusts the South from Louisiana to Georgia

http://news.yahoo.com/video/weather-15749664/17004503

Source: AssociatedPress

Russian Fires in Nightclub due to Fireworks mishap
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7k6YXXyrFg – ReutersVideo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBradfgo3y4 – RussiaToday
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbwHU-9EjRE – BNS News (SKY News)
http://news.yahoo.com/video/world-15749633/17000729

Lax codes cited in Russia blaze that killed 107

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/eu_russia_nightclub_fire

Source: Associated Press

Russia mourns over 100 dead from nightclub blaze
http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/afp_world/view/1022870/1/.html
Source: Channel NewsAsia

Clashes erupt as Athens marks anniversary of death
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8396693.stm
Source: BBC News

Bus collision in Bangladesh kills 20
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/8397960.stm
Source: BBC News

Bangladesh ferry sinks – At least 46 are dead
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/8394891.stm
Source: BBC News

Singaporean dies after being hit by car in Johor Bahru car-wash centre

http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/singaporelocalnews/view/1022979/1/.html
Source: Channel NewsAsia

Lost

I am lost. My heart is gone. Only the blood is flowing through my blood vessels. Even when typing on this blog, I feel lost. All I can feel is dying. Give me a story about an African kid starving in Botswana, and then comparing how much more wonderful my life is to that frail poor kid is not justified. And it just brings me lower and lower. I have entered a bermuda triangle of hell. Sigh… there’s just too much bad things for me. I want to get lost, for I am selfish and thoughtless. My family and friends can do without me, it’s human nature.
Just let me ie. I can’t take it anymore. I am so stressed.

Tired

Too tired to post. :( Will update tomorrow… Been too busy these days, that I am freaking out. D:

Thinking too much still.. sigh…

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