It was all coming back. All those memories flashed before my eyes, but I could only see the bad light in any event that has occured. I couldn’t sleep from 3am to 7 am, using my MacBook and also trying to calm myself, but it didn’t work. I felt like my head was being compressed. It felt so bad, I got away from my room, which had a surprisingly cold aircon to the non air-con sofa in my living room. I fell asleep, and somehow, when I woke up, the feeling felt different today.
It was like as if, I am now inside a hospital. I imagined myself in a hospital setting again, where the tv only shows local tv shows with lousy reception and the feeling of being so helpless came back. It’s funny, in a hospital, you get taken care of by nurses and you are suppose to get better. But, there is some pain even after you are being discharged. I felt like I was physically controlled by my mind. What happened to me? Is it those memories of the past? But it’s funny, I remembered all the horrible things only, and it shot back right at me, I saw people I knew in my dreams. It felt so horrible. I nearly broke down again. What the f _ _ k is wrong with me? maybe I don’t know, I guess when I am happy, I make others hate me. No wonder all my years of my life always end up in a horrible way. I guess the only way for me to be happy is to be sad. because when I am happy, someone always somehow triggers me to be put down. so, should I always be sad to be happy? should I be sad to just feel good? and why can’t some bloody f _ _ kers understand that I don’t seek attention. Maybe it feels like it, but it is so not! You will never understand what I am going through. I guess I shall die soon. It’s only a matter of time. All my thoughts overrule me, I know I rarely do bad things, but the weight of the bad things in my life increases so much, that I feel I should just stay depressed and lonely forever. I made the wrong decision this year, and then, now I regret it. What a f _ _ king fool I am.
I want to die, what is the solution to happiness? Does life always need to be like a cosine curve ranging only from 90 to 270 degrees, just negative? I don’t know… I have lost interest in buses somehow, and gained normal interests, which is good. But I feel depressed today, all of a sudden. What happened to me? I don’t show I am sad, but I am.
I feel I can never be discharged from this hospital, and I shall die soon… I always end up the same f _ _ king way every time… 
Nobody can help me, and I am just a fucker who deserves to die. Just let me fucking die, and the whole of my fucking world will be better. Why doesn’t anyone fucking understand why i want to die?! Nobody fucking understands what I am going through! No wonder I am always trapped in a hospital. I should just admit myself to IMH, get a shock therapy to FORGET EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING in my life… I can’t take it anymore. I hate being on Earth. I hate myself. Just let me fucking die, god.. Or even better yet, I just want to not fucking exist in this world at all. Everyone always finds fault with me. Nobody sees the light in me. NOBODY! Well, I guess I am not suited to be alive. Might as well donate my heart to somebody who deserves it more. I am such a FUCKING idiot. IF ANYONE DARES TO MAKE ME PROMISE TO STAY ALIVE, that’s the cue for me to kill myself.
I hate myself. I am just as good as those lousy disposable products, once used, throw away. Why can’t I be thrown away now? I endured pain for 17 and a half years, and now I’ve had it. I’ve really fucking had it. My mind and heart can’t take it anymore. I want to give away my life to someone else who needs it more than I do.
